Nestled in the left kidney of New York’s Catskill Mountains, the Queen of the Catskills Bed and Breakfast is a stark reminder that there is more to New York than art, culture, and fine dining. Hosts Steve and Sheila are just a touch more eager than necessary to greet guests upon arrival at the self-crowned mountain monarch. The sterile design and Walmart decor of this preserved country home underwhelms guests to the point of moderate disorientation.

Blank walls each cry out for a mirror, painting, or any sign of distraction from their bland existence. The highlight of the B&B’s furnishings, though, comes in the form is an L-shaped leather couch as seen in homemade Pornhub videos guests deny having ever watched. Just add a zebra-print rug and one throw pillow, and guests can hold their own special auditions for young up-and-coming actresses willing to do anything for the part.  

This kidney stone of the Empire State offers guest coffee service compliments of a red Keurig likely purchased at a nearby estate sale. Don’t worry. Pods are included, and for those who take cream or sugar, fear not! Coffee service includes one communal stirring spoon. Interestingly enough, a large coffee urn dispenses a tea drinker’s hot water, which is also frequently used to refill the Keurig. Conveniences abound.  

A tiny television complete with cable (yes, cable) sits atop faux fireplace in each bedroom. Window-unit air conditioners provide a chilling daytime experience and, for some odd reason, nothing but forced air during humid summer nights. Guests fortunate enough to score the only room with a private bath will find towels conveniently placed across the hall. Hand towels and bathmats, though, appear to be at a premium and—as of the writing of this review—are not counted among the coveted amenities boasted by Sheila and Steve.  

Parking is free, convenient, and smack in front of the house with two tires on the grass. Don’t side swipe that Audi on the way out to dinner.  

Upon return, be prepared to report to Steve about where you went, what you ate, and how difficult it might have been to chew. Always lurking around some sparsely decorated corner, he displays an interest in the daily activities of his guests that borders on the absurd. Sheila, who clearly is the money and brain behind the operation, will feign interest while staring into the very souls of her visitors.  

A spotty Wi-Fi network creatively named, “Linksys” recalls fond memories of the days of dial-up modems and incessant buffering. Longing for any sign of technological connectivity, guests take refuge in truly being off the grid as cell service makes the Linksys network feel like high-speed broadband.  

All in all, this short-term mountain abode is the perfect New York getaway. From the moment of arrival, guests are eager to do just that: get away. Quickly and quietly, avoiding eye contact with Steve, longing for functional GPS but using a paper map, driving off in a random direction at an unreasonable speed, get away.